Skimming through my old posts I was sad to see that the classic "Why I hate the Internet" had slipped into 404ness. I found it on the wayback machine, but since I can't trust the internet anymore I will post it here as well:

Why I Hate the Internet

(author unknown)

i hate the internet because a couple years ago i was in a parking lot and the internet smashed up my car and drove away without paying me for it and i had to get it fixed at my own expense no wait that was somebody else now what was i saying oh yes the internet sucks because every time i log on from my house i see something really stupid and then when i try to call my friends to tell them there's something stupid on the internet there's always this horrible weird buzzing sound on the phone and it won't go away until i log off and by that time i don't care anymore and i hate the internet because everybody always talks about it like it's some sort of big fat hairy deal like it's going to transform our culture but of course that's a crock how could computers transform our culture what a silly idea but what i really hate most about the internet is the way people fill it with endless blathering and none of it has any punctuation so you can't hardly read it even and everything is speld rong and what's even worse there are all these people who make fun of other people who can't spell or don't bother to punctuate by posting stupid parodies that mock them supposedly in their own style and use phrases like "speld rong" as if it's supposed to be funny well it isn't so there ha ha ha but anyway i hate the internet because it keeps me from doing important valuable useful things like watching tv and stealing cars but wait i don't steal cars i must have seen it on tv but i don't watch tv because i spend all my time on the internet which i hate because all anybody cares about is star trek and i hate star trek i think i'll design an i hate star trek web page for people like me who hate star trek well ok i don't really hate star trek actually i watch it religiously and have several valuable star trek collectibles but at least i don't go to those stupid conventions like all the other losers well maybe occasionally not that it matters but anyway i was writing about why i hate the internet and i do because it's boring and insipid and slow and i can get all the pornography i need by reading the proceedings of the united states congress or watching tv which is nothing but pornography anyway and why is it that everything on the internet always ends up being about pornography i'm sick of hearing about pornography anyway you see that's why i hate the internet so much and there are other reasons too like my finger hurts from clicking the stupid mouse and my eyes hurt because the type is so small and my butt hurts from sitting all day on this torture device of a chair and as if that's not bad enough anything i might be dumb enough to read or post on it might be read by practically anybody not that i have anything to hide oh no i'm a law-abiding citizen well usually anyway i guess sometimes i drive too fast no wait i never drive too fast that was a typo yes a typo the internet is full of typos which is another reason why i hate it yes it all keeps coming back to why i hate the internet which is a good thing because that's the subject of this essay not that you'd really call it an essay because that would imply that it's well written which it isn't but that doesn't matter because this is the internet and what are you going to do sue me well ok maybe you will sue me but go ahead and try because i don't have any money anyway i spent it all on valuable star trek collectibles and monthly internet service fees which are too high and that's another reason why i hate the internet because it costs too much but i guess everything costs too much these days probably because every company in the world has been forced to raise their prices to cover the expense of being on the internet as though that improves their sales figures yeah right ha ha ha i've got your sales figures right here pal let me just wipe them off there now stick that somewhere warm and sticky oh wait now it's starting to sound like pornography again which is something that makes me hate the internet but i already wrote that so on to my next reason for hating the internet but i forgot what that was because my attention span is so limited from looking at all those stupid web pages oh that's what it was it was the effect on my attention span and did i mention that i hated the internet oh yes looking back at what i wrote earlier i can see that i covered that already but now this is getting tedious so anyway where was i oh yes why i hate the internet well it's probably because my life is a mess and i'm bored all the time and i'm so pathetic i feel compelled to write about it and not just write about it but post it on the internet for everyone to see as though my problems are so interesting that anybody else would want to read them but you just read them so what does that make you?