My feelings about Alyssa. Um. I like to think that I keep her spirit alive by accenting the aspects of personality that we shared. Like being friendly to strangers, making them into friends. Being social and random. And learning to play her guitar is wonderful. I loved walking around hawaii, going to bars she went, always with the guitar, meeting people on the street who sat down in the grass and showed me new chords or just played a song on it. I imagine she did much the same. That little guitar is a great magnet.

I feel sort of invincible since she died. Like somehow since my sister died at 27 that means I am invincible. Illogical, but it makes life more fun.

And of course I cry sometimes. Usually it hits me when I am doing something mindless like dishes. Or a few weeks ago I jogged to a friends house and his wife was showing me painting she had done on the different walls, and we entered one room and it looked just like one of Alyssa's and it hit me, stopped me cold. I went white. People noticed. And I started to cry.

I don't think of her that often. Its sort of a constant mud in the back of my head, but not something I sit down and contemplate. When I do I get angry. I used to get sad. Now I get angry. And sad. And I break things. Usually tupperware because I still have my wits about me.

I just try to live my life fuller because she is gone, and don't feel like I am manically filling up my time to keep from thinking of her anymore.

I don't know. It's sort of like accomplishments, when I do it myself it doesn't feel like such a big deal. But when someone else does the same I think it is amazing. The same way, if someone else lost a sister I would think it would be the end of the world. And when i conceptualise it , imagine other deaths, I feel like it would change my world. But when it happens to me it happens to ME, and I know me, and its not a big deal. I mean, its terrible, but I am still me and that hasn't changed. I know I can handle anything.

My feelings initially were just blank. Then I felt like it was my fault, like if I had just pushed so that I gave her my kidney christmas time she wouldn't be dead. That made me sad in a very caffeine sort of angsty wired way. Then I felt like I should behave as if I were in a movie. Then I got all bipolar: crazy highs, fun fun fun wired pushing myself athletically and social-creatively like I haven't ever before, and then the quiet crash of sadness and tears. Then I got pissed. Cuz it doesn't really make any sense. Now I still feel that way: angry. But I get a lot of positive out of it, as I said. Angry and invincible. I mean, the real answer to any question is - in the end- fuck it, my sister died: how important can whatever specific task or dilemma or worry in front of me be in the context of that? So it is freeing. Too.

And even the anger thing feels like I am snatching on a few disparate temper-tantrums, focusing on that because ANGER sounds like a step from some whatever-the-fuck-anonymous thing. Its back to the Movies thing. Like I focus on the anger step because thats how hollywood would portray it, and that is really all I know of death: movies.

Which makes me think its not really that ordered or simple.

I accepted it before I even spoke to you. When i heard you called when I was out ice-skating with Leyla and Shelly in London, I knew then she was dead. So acceptance has never been an issue. And my vain side feels like crying adds depth to my personality, black pepper to my soul. So I don't hide or submerge that.

In the end, it is all talk. I don't generally try to modify my feelings unless they would lead me to cheating on Shelly. So I let myself what i feel about Alyssa. She's dead. What else can you say? I just try to make the most positive out of it that I can.

And she is a smartass, so I can feel and say whatever I want about it. She'd understand.

Like how many dead sisters can you fit in a Volkswagon?

6. 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and the rest in the ashtray.

How many dead sisters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. She never would have gotten around to it alive, either.

And in the end I'll get more inheritance because of it.

How's that for letting yourself feel whatever you want?

I love her. She's gone. It sucks. There is so much I could have done with her I won't be able to do. And I always thought she'd always be there, so I took her for granted and did stupid, lazy things like not visit her in Hawaii, or get mad at her. Or tease her. Or not take her seriously. And not taking her seriously is one major reason she is dead now.

What can I bring out of it, treat everything and everyone as precious, because they might get some kidney disease and fucking die?

Its everything and nothing: I feel everything about her, and in the end it does nothing, those thoughts and feelings.

1 + 1 = 2
2 + 3 = 5
5 - 1 = 4
5 - 4 = 1

or 3 - 1 = 2

I could go on foreve